2009-09-28 - The threat of Zombie Kittens

It occurred to me over breakfast, as things often do, that the world is not prepared for an attack from Zombie Kittens.

Popular media has spent the best part of 80 years trying to teach us how to deal with Zombies. Ever since the first Zombie film was released in 1932 (White Zombie) we have seen the capabilites of Zombies escalate, from mindless drone to flesh-eating-super-strong-almost-unkillable-evil-genius-uber-Zombie. today's modern Zombie is in fact so well endowed with the skills to over-run humanity that I secretly believe most of us have resigned ourselves to the fact that if a Zombie invasion were to ever occur that there is very little we could do about it and would expect anyone with a nuclear capabilities to push the big red button for the sake of mankind.

However...so vigilant have we become for human, and thanks to the like of Resident Evil and I Am Legend, canine Zombies, we have completely overlooked the threat of Zombie Kittens

Many of us keep cats as pets, and they wander far and wide from our homes during the day, they are probably one of the most likely domestic creatures to come in to contact with a Zombie. Then at night, as we return from our day jobs, what do we do? we invite the cat back in! and truthfully, how many times have you checked your feline friend for signs of Zombie-ism before allowing them back in for a snuggle? thats right, never, not once. Now, imagine how much more likely you are to approach a kitten without performing pre-petting zombie checks than you are a fully grown cat? the potential for accidental infection is monstrous to contemplate!

And it's not like any of the usually accepted methods of Zombie execution would work:

Decapitation: Can you honestly imagine anyone having the balls to decapitate a kitten? especially if people are watching...

Fire: Again the same issue, nobody of sane mind will douse Mr Whiskers Jnr with petrol and set light to him, burning kittens is just not something you do on a Sunday afternoon, even if it is to save mankind.

Dismember: Even if you do have the stomach to dismember a kitten, we all know that it wont actually kill the zombie, you will still need to contain and separate the zombie pieces, and good luck explaining why you keep 18 different kitty parts locked in separate boxes to your new girlfriend...

So my message is clear, do NOT under any circumstances under-estimate the threat from Zombie Kittens, they are possibly the biggest threat to humanity since Jurassic Park. If you do encounter a Zombie Kitten then your only hope is to dispose of it in the most brutal way possible.

And remember to check for Zombie-ism in all household pets, visitors and repair men BEFORE you allow them into your home!